Beef Despair

[My other episode transcript is a Porsche]

J: Welcome to Train Hot Dog, the podcast where i talk to myself on a train. I'm here with special guest, April.

A: Where he's also talking to me. So it's not just himself.

-Also to you, the listener! Today we're going to be talking about stadium food. But first: Rider Mail!

- (laughs)

- Alright, hang on when I find the Rider Mail; I have --

- Hey -- did you ever...

- What's up?

- ... Did you ever do that train -- the Train Hot Dogs that we did, ah, when we were on the road trip?

- I did post those, yes.

- I'm that person.

- Ah, this -- that's right, yeah; also, from "Steam Hot Dog".

- That's right!

- Ah, this Rider's from the (516) area code. This Rider writes, "What the fuck?" Or I ... so I assume; it could be any four-letter word that starts with 'F', and then has three asterisks.

- Yeah like what the ff...

- Fork.

- Fart.

- (dryly) "What the fart"?

- (laughs)

- Ah, there's another Rider Mail if I can just find it...(pause)

- That's a lot of mail.

- Yeah this is all of Re- mail that i have looked at and marked -- or -- and/or marked as 'Read.' And there's another one that I marked as 'Unread.' Here we go: this Rider is from the (Gustav Klimt) area code. This Rider writes, "Gustav Klimt has sent you a $15 Subway eGift Card!"

- (impressed) Wow.

- "...Your Subway eGift Card is redeemable at participating stores in the U.S. via the Subway App, or via order.subway.com. Click the link below to claim your gift!"

- Maybe we can get Subway at the stadium.

- Maybe. (thinks) Ah, but, um ... in case we don't, what else might we find at the stadium?

- I dunno; we should Google it.

- Oh.

- Oh. But there's a ... (laughs, realizing) you were asking me. (laughs)

- Yes! (laughs) So --

- There are hot dogs ...

- Presumably they have Cream Of Wheat.

- (pronounces each food very distinctly) ... Bratwursts ...

- Bratwursts, okay ...

- ... um, beer ...

- (repeats) Beer.

- ... by the bucket ...

- (amused) Really? They sell buckets?

- Buckets of beer.

- Uh huh?

(train noises start getting louder)

- Ah ... there are ... nachos ...

(train noises start getting very loud)

- (louder) Uh huh?

- ... burritos ...

(train noises suddenly grow very quiet again)

- They have burritos ...?

- ... steak sandwiches ... (CUT)

- (impressed) Whoa.

- I think. I believe I've seen those before. There's ...

- (thinking it over) Okay ...

- ... y'know ... -- (CUT) -- and, ah, chocolate malts ...

- (jazzed) Oh, man. Malts're pretty delicious.

- Yeah, you eat them with a wooden spoon.

- Really?

- That's what they come with!

- So, is this literally just a bo-- like a melted-down box of Whoppers?

- No, it's like ice cream. Chocolate malt ice cream.

- I see. Okay, so ... ah this, I searched for 'stadium food' and the results are all "Best Stadium Food", or "Insane Stadium Foods". what I'm actually looking for is, like, "Most Regular Stadium Foods". I'll -- 'kay -- I'll search for that.

- 'most common ...'

- 'most regular ..."

- (approving) 'most regular...' the one -- like, they keep you regular?

- Yeahh, let's just ...

- (flatly) For pooping.

- ... prunes on a stick. ... Ehh! (disbelieving) I searched for 'most regular' and it gave me "Most Insane"!

- (guffaws)

- (to search engine) This is the opposite of what I want, DuckDuckGo! ... "Ridiculous".

- Uhm-hm.

- "Ridiculous Stadium Foods".

- Oh there's -- look: "6 Regular". It says it right there.

- Yeah, it's ... OK ... yeah, that word is included.

- Yup.

- (with contempt) Ah, "Highest Prices" , "Best", "Best" ...

- Let's search for 'best Oakland A's food'.

- (laughing) ... Okay ...

- Because that's where we're going.

- Okay. (typing again) 'best oak land' -- (declares) "The Land of Oaks!"

- "Until We Cut them All Down."

- (wryly) I tried to type 'A's' and it said 'ass'.

- (chuckles) That's ... pretty much how they've been playing this year.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

- (like a catchphrase) Sports!

(both laugh)

J: Ah ... "What to Eat at the Coliseum, Home of the Oakland A's" Eater--

A: Oh there we go; this looks promising.

- "Eater SF." This is good; I'm glad we did this. Eater: "In stark opposition to the glorious food options at AT&T Park" -- where's AT&T Park?

- That's in San Francisco.

- Is that the Giants' thing?

- Yes.

- Okay. ... They don't call that, just, "The Giants Stadium"?

- Non-None of them get called by their real name 'cause they're all sponsored by huge com-- big companies.

- Right. Yeah, I remember when, ah --

- It's the world we live in.

- -- Jack Murphy Stadium in uh, San Diego was getting renovations, and the city couldn't pay for the renovations ...

- Petco ... Park, or whatever it is, now?

- At--at-- At the time, ah, Qualcomm paid --

-Ohh.

- -- for the renovations. And, for all I know it's -- there's a new name now, ag-again ...

- Well, in downtown San Diego, there's like Petco... Stadium...

- Petco Park!

- ... or something like that.

- Right.

- And ... uh -- the only reason why I know that is because it's right next to where Comic-con is.

- Right. Yeah.

- Is that the one you're talking about?

- I don't know.

- Oh. You --

- (deadpan) Um, I'm talking about Qualcomm Stadium.

- (laughs) I KNOW THAT. I was talking about GEOGRAPHICALLY.

- (laughs) I have no -- I'm lost.

- (laughing) Okay.

- Um, i just remember a guy on the news saying, "We can call it the Q!"

- (mock-impressed) Oh!

- And then, there's -- there's an ad that used to play -- and maybe still does -- advertising San Diego's, like, trolley system ...

- Mm. I like the trolley there.

- ... and if you--it--it--it rhymed: "If you wanna take a swim we can take you to the surf /And if you want to see the game we can take you to The Murph", because it used to be called Jack Murphy Stadium...

- Riight.

- ... and then they just changed it. They changed the song: "We can take you to the Q". But it doesn't rhyme with 'surf'.

- No.

- Um. Okay, it says--says to "[s]kip the soggy pizzas" ...

- Mkay.

- ..."head towards the BBQ and sausages" -- we were going to do that anyway.

- Mm-hm.

- Um, "[...] to reference this guide before braving it all. [...]Kinder's BBQ:" ... It's "a crowd pleaser". Barbecued sirloin.

- Mmm. That sounds delicious.

- "Ribs and Things" -- what kind of 'things' do you think? Like ribs ...

- I dunno, what are ribs attached to? The spine?

- Ribs and vertebrae.

(together) Yeah,

J- that's probably what it is. "[...] make a beeline for this BBQ stand every season for [their] tender pork ribs and moist tri-tip".

A- Moist.

- Is tri-tip like the tri-corner hats?

- It is -- it is a triangular-shaped piece of meat.

- Really?

- Yes.

- Okay. So ... like old-... old-timey, like, colonial-times people would wear them on their heads.

- (chuckles) Yes. Because they just had, you know, beef to spare.

(both laugh)

J- "Saag's Club Level".

A- That's what I'm thinkin' about. But --

- I got excited, because I assumed 'saag' was indian food.

- Nooo (laughs) it's-it's-it's, like, sausages.

- Mmerh. Okay, that's still good.

- It is good.

- The Burger Shack. Oh -- Wait waiwait. is this ... "Field Level"? Oh, this is just like --

- Like telling you, like, where. The -- the three standouts --

- I-- I had assumed, like, 'Field Level' was, like, a ranking, that they -- like a ... a fancy way of saying "This is, like," (superior tone) "at-ground-level food!"

- No. (suppressing laugh) It's literal food, on the ground level. (laughs)

- It's food you find on the ground.

- (laughing) Yes.

- Ah, "Plaza Level". Wait, I should see if they have any adjectives. No adjectives ...

- I think --

- "A selection of ice cream bars and sandwiches", that's ...

- I think it's now just, like, telling you 'all the places you can eat'.

- It's not just like -- okay, this one says it's a 'safe bet'.

- "Delhi 215".

- Okay, so -- D'you think... d'you think Chloe (pronouncing slowly) Schildhause... ate everything? Or, like ate something from every one of these places?

- I'd sure hope so.

- Because, like... I think what happened, was that she ordered three things from Kinder's BBQ; Ribs and Things; and Saag's Club Level; and was full. And then, just, was descriptive for the rest of it.

- It's possible...

- You know, y--they don't pay these reporters much nowadays.

- Yeah, I don't think they pay them at all. Do they?

- I mean ... I--I'm--I'm presuming that the San Francisco Eater -- Wait, this is Sophia Lorenzi. Who was Claudia--Chloe Schildhause? Who's --

- (I-don't-know hum)

- Wait. So this ... the byline is Sophia Lorenzi, but then it's signed Chloe's Schildhause.

- Something is afoot! I think we need to hire an investigative journalist!

- We are the investigative journalists!

- Oh right.

- Okay, well: According to this, we should eat the BBQ stuff.

- (agreeably) Okay.

- That's good enough for me.

- I'll eat BBQ tonight.

- Alright! Ah -- now that we've got that out of the way, we still have to keep talking into this phone until we arrive.

- Or we could just mimic the wind.

(both attempt to mimic the wind) (A. laughs)

A - (addressing audience, laughing) Jim can apparently whistle and hum at the same time and it's really disturbing and funny.

J - You can't tell, though, because of all the wind.

- Right. You'll just have to take my word on it. Wait, who used to say that? "But don't take my word for it!"

- Ah, that was -- um ...

- The Reading Rainbow guy! Right?

- Yeahhh, the guy with the slit-eye ...

- Wat?

- The s-the slit sunglasses? Over his face?

- (laughs) Oh, that was when he was on Star Trek, not when he was on the Reading Rainbow!

-Oh. Um. LeVar Burton.

- Oh, yeah.

- Yeah, no I remem- and - didn't he, like, Kickstart a ...

- ... Reading Rainbow again, and then like, just, keep all the money, or something?

- I--I don't know. But we can--we can find this out.

- (warning) We're almost at the stadium...

- Yeah, well ...

- Will we Google it in time, Readers?!

- Uh.

- (wryly) Oh wait, you're not Readers. You're Listeners.

- (typing) 'reading rainbow' -- they're Readers if they go to the transcript ...

- That's true.

- "Reading Rainbow is an American children's TV series that aired on PBS kids" -- Sorry, guys; that's all the time we have for w--... for w--...

- For -- for Stadium Hot Dog.

- Yeah. Also, like, did Reading Rainbow defraud our--our children?

- De-defraud them?

- That's a word.

- I-I mean I know; but, like, it just ...

- Um.

- I'm just trying to understand what it's-- what they're trying to say.

- Okay, where's the Kickstarter? "Accolades". (reads) Oh, it got relaunched as a app? ... There's an app. It was presented at the Worldwide Developer's Conference.

- (yawning) Unh-hunh?

It's ar--i--iPhone-- it's an iPad app.

- Okay.

- Well, that's... oh-- no no. And there's another thing: "Kickstarter revival campaign and aftermath". Okay, anything with an 'aftermath' is bad news.

- It is.

- All right, ah, talk to you later, guys. We're trying to get ...

- Off the train.

- ... off the train.

- Good night!

- Good night.